July 24, 2005.
Dear Prafulla,
I do not know what to write or rather how to write it. It is just that there is so much to say in such short time! However let me begin by saying this - I would like to thank you for all that you have given me. And you have given me everything - starting with a better surname, it is only because of you that I have had the greatest of joys in the world that I could have only imagined otherwise. You have loved me, each and every day, unconditionally, like there were no tomorrow. You have always been more than just a husband to me. You are the best friend I ever had and maybe I will ever have. As you are reading this letter, I have probably carried myself away, far away from the your world, so, it is useless to make any efforts to find me. I cannot come back. I have given myself enough reasons not to. But I want you to know this and remember this - I would have loved to spend the rest of my life with you, if only I could have.
I never gave myself much opportunity to say how much I have loved you, right from the day we met. But now I would love to remember with you, the turn of events on that evening at La Galerie. I never told you who I was actually waiting for that evening. All that you knew was that it was a friend of mine; perhaps you had even taken the liberty to assume that it was some kind of boyfriend or so. It was Ishiska, my room mate from college. She was supposed to be in the town and I wanted to have us a meeting to decide upon our future. But, Fate has her mysterious threads spun all over, isn't that what you used to say?
And so she never showed up! I noticed you the moment you had entered the room, because I was consistently staring at the door while waiting for her. But there was something about you that distracted me. Having spent nearly an hour waiting for Ishiska, I did not feel like hanging in there any longer. But my attention was somehow carried off to your table and I did otherwise, just to see you! You had attractive features - those long hairs, that evenly trimmed stub of beard, that sharp nose, placed perfectly between those dreamy eyes, that faint smile of satisfaction at the corner of your lips and of course your well-built physique. But you could say I was a a bit mesmerised when I heard your voice - the underlying sweetness behind the huskiness, as you ordered for a sweet corn soup. It was the first time that I felt something like that for a man. I had long finished my coffee, but I had ordered the same soup, just to hang in there longer. Maybe I had even wished that I would catch your sight. The moment I saw you with your camera, I had guessed that you were some photojournalist, so I knew you might admire some beauty even inside the room!
And I cannot express in words, how much enthralled I was , when you finally came forward and asked for a photograph! I had to add another quality to your list - yes you had guts!
I don't remember how long we had been there after that, chatting away the whole time. I never felt so free while talking to a man. Its just that somehow I felt I could trust you and share things with you, that I generally confined to my close friends! I found you to be such a wonderful person and I really wonder if there was some magic in your words - I just felt so comfortable listening to you speak. When we walked out of that door and parted ways, I just hoped that we would meet again.
And see, Fate did fulfil my wish, we did meet, and it did unite us in the holy bond of marriage. We had vowed for a blissful life together bound by mutual love and trust in all walks of life. But was that worthy enough? Tell me, how many times, in the last one year did we talk so freely over a cup of coffee like we did that evening? How many times did you look into my eyes and gave me a compliment? I know you always praise me, but were those all real or were they just meant to comfort me when I used to be sad. Did you never wonder why I should be sad, even though you have given me everything? I don't know how things got lost so fast, so easily.
And as I think deeper about our decaying relationship, I knock over the same question repeatedly...
Did I deserve you? It is a question I have been asking myself over quite some time now. And with my limited intellectual resources, I would say no. But then, can you give me one good reason to say Yes? Maybe you just don't need a reason! Oh! how much you love me. You always seemed to have put aside my shortcomings, without ever a word of complaint. I have not seen a nobler man. And if it is of any comfort to you, I want to say for one last time - 'I love you'. But you still have a part of the blame to bear. Why did you love me so much? And why so blindly? I was you spouse and not just some pet my parents had left in your care! You taught me that love isn't caring about someone under certain conditions... its about loving someone under any condition. Then how could you not see that I had been failing the very principles upon which our relationship was based?
Why did you approach me that evening? Maybe I would have just got over your charm once the day was over! But you had gotten me completely engrossed in your elegance by the end of the evening. There was hardly any way I could have resisted your thoughts from tormenting my heart and mind. And why did we cross paths again, to make things, but only worse? I should have taken lessons from my past life - from losing my best friend in childhood in a swimming pool accident to the suicide of my college mate - all that I thought I had, was lost eventually to the cruel hands of Fate.
Honestly speaking, I knew that things would eventually go wrong, just the way they have always gone. But I only hoped that it wouldn't have come so soon... I wanted to make each moment of our lives count. But here I am today, failing your love. I have always lost the things that I have loved the most in my life. And maybe that was the reason why I couldn't let you come too close to me, for I always feared losing you. We had been married, yes, and I love you more than you can imagine, but I couldn't manifest it the way you had perhaps wanted. I feared any moment could be our last.
But was that of any use? Here I am today, on the brink of losing you, my life thrown apart by my ill fate and all that I carry with me is the regret that I could have loved you more, could have given you what you had rightfully deserved. The fragments of your love will stay in my heart forever like pieces of metal from an explosion to inflict the pain that I perhaps deserve. You did everything to keep me happy and satisfied. But there was no way I could have loved you back the same way, because of the constant void and guilt I felt inside of me. I should never have met you, or at least should have never allowed you to marry me - that was the only way I could have prevented this unfortunate day that we have before us. But now that the damage has been done, I can only keep you close to me by carrying myself far far away from your life. I don't want to lose you like everything else I did.
I should say this trip of yours to Darjeeling has benefited us in mysterious ways. Oh! how dearly I wish I had accompanied you on this trip. Turning down your request to join this tour will perhaps remain as the greatest regret of my life. Had I been with you now, perhaps this letter would never have been written at all! Something happened in your absence. Something, that was supposed to have occurred that evening at La Galerie. When Ishiska did not show up that evening, my life had changed its course. I was introduced to a different side of myself and I had fallen in love with you. But now, my term of life with you has come to its end. At least, that is what I have felt in the light of recent events.
It was last Saturday, when I had gone to get some grocery. The daylight had almost faded by the time I had finished and started to walk back home. When I crossed the lane by the park and entered the alley, I got a weird feeling that I was being followed. At the next turning, I stopped at the corner to see who it was. To my utter surprise, a voice called out my name! It didn't even take a moment for me to recognise the voice, it sounded so familiar. And by then the face had also appeared... it was Ishiska, standing right in front of me!
I did not know what to say. I did not need to either. Because it was our eyes that did the talking. For a moment I felt like it was the same evening that we were actually supposed to meet.
You knew her as only my room mate from college. But she was much more than just a friend to me. I don't know how to describe our relationship, but all that I can say is that we were actually in love with each other. I know it sounds very weird, but then Nature has its exceptional intricacies. She was the one who led me to discover this side of my nature. In the beginning, I was upset, wondering what would the reaction of our parents would be when they came to know about us. But then we decided to move on in life by accepting the way we are. And that was the reason we had planned that meeting that evening. But it was like Fate didn't want us to meet. And I met you instead. I was very happy to feel a similar attraction towards you too. It felt like I had been given a second chance to set things right, to live the life of a normal girl! I had embraced you with open arms.Ishiska had met an accident and so she had failed to meet me that evening. And I had no way to know. When she came to hear about my marriage, she was more than happy, because I had chosen the path she would have feared to tread upon.
But after all these years, when she saw me back in the market, she could not help but follow me. That evening, she took me to her apartment and insisted on spending the night at her place. After all these years we had loads to chat away. She cooked dinner for me, the way she often did back in college days. It was like I was back to my old self. Her love and attraction was so overwhelming that I lost myself to her charms. Her soft passionate kiss on my lips reminded me of the best of memories I had with her and whatever followed was far out of my control. I felt so much pleased and satisfied that I couldn't resist her.
Watever happened between us, is something I now regret. I feel so guilty, that I cannot even imagine you see or touching me again. Ishiska left the next morning and walked back into her own life. As I bade her goodbye at the airport, I could see the faint naughty smile on her face. I did not smile back. Because I could understand what she had done. She never loved me. She was just a slave to her weird nature. And it was already too late to realise that. That one night had taken away from me things that I treasured the most in life - it had created this vast void between us. Just like everything, I had lost her once again... and I am about to lose you. What better could I have expected from this life!
Now that you have known everything about me and my wretched life, perhaps you will understand why I have taken this step. I want you to remember me as the Milanda you had loved and not the Milanda you lost. I want you to prosper in life the way you had always dreamt of it. I have given you too few things to cherish, and so I want you to fulfil all the deficiencies of your life. You are a noble man. There is obviously someone out there who deserves your love and you can love you back in a proper way - something I never could. Maybe, if Fate has it in store, we may meet again someday. But I hope you never need to see me again. I don't want to be the prick in your bubble of happiness. You need not worry about me. You have cared enough and I will cherish your love for the rest of my life.
Wherever I am, I will be fine - thinking of you, loving you, praying for you...
Your beloved wife,
Milanda.
